Anxiety Hell

Fun title, eh? I am made up of half anxiety, half normal person (that may be stretching it). I have anxiety about everything and I mean, everything. It’s exhausting and irrational and I’m always fine once I get passed the thing that worries me but lord does it take it out of me. Do you have anxiety? I feel like everyone does to some extent but maybe I just tell myself that so I don’t feel alone. Well, if you do, do you ever feel like you can talk about it or do you just angrily throw the wet clothes in the dryer with your bitten off nails and huffy breathing? Here’s my reality. Wont you join me in this black hole?

Over the years, I have taught myself to deal with anxiety by having order. Order in my home, in my job, in my relationships, etc. I live for a routine and lists. When I can’t clean or create/find order, I panic and turn on the people who love me. I plan everything. I anticipate every outcome so I can be prepared. Fight or flight baby.

Here are some fun examples of my crazy, I’m going to imagine you nodding your head while reading these so I can exhale.

If you’ve ever made plans to go to the movies with me, you know that I CANNOT be late. I will be on the edge of my seat with worry that I’m going to miss something or not get a good seat, not have time to get my icee or the movie being sold out. The ride to the movies when we’re “Lana late” is SUPER fun. For the record, I’ve never missed any part of a movie, but I sure have worried myself into a tizzy about it. Thank you friends and family for still inviting my fun and calming self to go out in public.

Secondly, I have to be on top of everything all of the time. My house has to be clean and organized. If my house is a mess I can’t function out in the world. My “base” has to be good to go before I can enjoy anything else. You know, in case the Board of Housewives drops by for judgement. I want to tell you not to care about what other people think but Jesus knows when I’m lying. Carrying on…everything has its place. Having a baby has REALLY tested that part of my anxiety. Penelope has so much stuff and I’ve had to find homes for everything so I can get over myself and live life (she’s worth every second of it). I frequently clean out cabinets, drawers etc. My husband hates this because he thinks I’m just making room to go buy more stuff to fill it right back up. Sometimes he’s right but please don’t tell him, I can’t with him and his not being like me ways.

Then there’s my physical self. Ughhh, it’s never ending. Am I doing everything I can to be the healthiest? Should I fake tan myself this week? Nails or no nails? Should I put a mask on my hair? Are my teeth white enough? I wonder if that spot on my leg is cancer? I’m exhausted just writing this, if you’re still reading along, bless you. I worry about every little twinge. Google is not my friend. I lay in bed at night thinking it’s just a matter of time until they find some tumor or something cancerous. I can hear my Mother saying “Why do you do that to yourself” as I type this. I know I’m my worst enemy. Therapy has helped me so much in this part of my life. Yes, I was worse. I’m learning to prioritize my crazy and talk to my inner child and calm her ass down. Remembering that I have to take care of myself too and not just allow myself to stay in the same t-shirt and shorts for two days that are covered in spit-up while throwing myself a pity party. All those questions at the beginning of this paragraph? Yeah, I just worry about those things, I don’t always do any of them to help myself… I just sit and stress about needing to do them.

I hope this post makes you feel better if you, like myself, think you’re crazy. Let’s be friends and stress together.

After saying all of that, I do put A LOT of work into being me and always growing and becoming a better version of myself. I’m doing the best I can with who I am right now. Maybe I’ll always stress. I stress when I’m laying on the beach…vacay anyone!? Or maybe as I age, I will learn to stress less and get over myself. Who knows. But you? Sugar bear, you’re doing great too. You’re not the only crazy one. Is there a club?

Cheers to you.

Lana

Why I Quit My Big Kid Job

I need purpose and routine to feel like myself. I need to be able to get up, get ready and leave the house. I worked at my previous employer for almost 8 years and had no intention of quitting. I got pregnant, went on maternity leave and had my sweet baby girl. While on leave, I cherished every moment with her because I knew I only had twelve weeks of all day cuddle time. Twelve weeks to adjust to our new addition and find our new normal.

We thought we were on top of it. We toured several daycares and decided on the one we felt the most comfortable with. We put our deposit down to get on the wait list while being assured there would be a spot for our baby when the time came and we went about our merry way thinking, “daycare, handled.” SURPRISE… it didn’t work that way AT EFFING ALL. A month before I was set to go back to work, I called to check in with the daycare and they told me they would not have a spot open until the beginning of the year. Ummm what? Apparently my husband and I misunderstood how this works. What a sham, man. It’s March, and still no open spot, FYI. FUN TIMES.

We had to make a decision quickly. What the EFF were we going to do? I knew I needed to go back to work so that I could be the best version of myself, but how was I going to do this? Luckily my Mother was able to watch our sweet angel. I went back to work ready to get back into the swing of things. That did NOT happen. All I could do was think about what Penelope was doing and all the things I was missing. I would FaceTime with her every time I pumped and text with Mom throughout the day. My heart simply couldn’t handle it.

Real talk, this was one of the hardest decision I’ve had to make. Also, I know what I sound like when I say that. I know that the first thing that probably runs through your mind is “why is this lady complaining about being able to stay at home with her baby?” or “people have real problems, please stop whining.” Several Mamas have said “OMG I would have loved to have that opportunity to stay home with my kids, you’re so lucky.” I’m grateful, every day but it was still a hard choice for me. Others have said “wow, your husband must make a lot of money,” or my personal favorite “what are you going to do with yourself all day, you’re going to get so bored.” For the record, all of those comments made me feel about this big (-). My husband sets the world on fire every day and I just couldn’t imagine being someone who stayed home and had nothing to show for my “work.” I felt every insecurity you can think of. I was pre-mad at my husband because I just knew he would start expecting dinner on the table by 6 and a spotless house when he got home. This is NOT me. I am NOT a housewife. I only watch them on tv. I fought and fought with him over things that hadn’t even happened yet. My insecurities almost cost me my healthy marriage. The love and support he has given me is everything I could ever wish for in a partner. He’s my biggest cheerleader. A tall, dark and handsome one nonetheless.

The daycare not having an open spot was a blessing in disguise. Me quitting my job was what was supposed to happen. This has been hard. I have bad days where I question myself. But, oh… those good days. Those days where her eyes sparkle when she looks my way. Those chubby baby arms wrap around my neck and I know I’m right where I’m meant to be. I do miss the challenges my work days used to bring. I miss girls lunch and mani/pedi breaks too. These days I straight up get down to some Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I’m using all of my old dance team moves to make my daughter laugh and giggle and thoroughly enjoy my thrice warmed coffee.

Here’s to the single parents. I see you. You need to know that you are doing the best you can and you are everything to your babies. Keep that hustle game strong. It’s all going to pay off one day when you’ve raised amazing kids who know their worth. I no longer worry about nothing to show for my “work.” You can just look at our happy baby and see that her heart and soul are being tended to and she’s loved beyond measure. That’s my definition of a good Mama.

Cheers, Lana.

Well, Hello There

Life is hard. I don’t care who you are or what walk of life you come from. After years of therapy and countless hours of analyzing any and everything, I thought it was time to put my work on the screen. Please allow me to introduce myself…

Hi, I’m Lana. I’m a new mother who recently left the corporate world for diapers, drool and cuddles. I am married to a man who sets the world on fire every day while conquering the business universe one solution at a time. I have two dogs, yes, they are yorkies, were you thinking that? Spot on. I have an obsessive personality which is SUPER fun for my inner circle but I love fiercely so hopefully that makes up for it? I get a high from organizing just about anything and wiping countertops is right up there with rum and Diet Coke (with a twist of lime) on my happy list.

This “blog” will be a place where you can feel at home and maybe find a bit of humor and/or relief in my experiences. If you’re going through it, chances are, I’ve been there too or have some thoughts on the issue that can maybe be of use. So, Hi. Welcome! Let’s do life.

Cheers to you!

Photo Credit: Photo Love photography